What Do I Do?
If you see abuse happening to someone you know, you are probably thinking:
How Can I Help? What Can I Say? Is It My Business? Will She/he Think I am Interfering? What if I Just Make it Worse? What if I am Wrong?
It is normal to struggle with these and other questions. This can be a difficult and uncomfortable situation for you; but think about what it may be like for the person being abused. By making that first step, you may save a life. Whether it is a friend, family member, coworker or neighbor, it is your business to get involved.
SPEAK UP! Here are a few ways to get the conversation started:
o Talk to the person in private.
o Start the conversation by letting them know you are worried and you care. “I see what is going on and I want to help.”
o Point out specific events that you have noticed. “The way he/she treats you is wrong, I have seen him/her __________.”
o “I am really worried about your safety and am afraid he/she will really hurt you next time.”
o Reassure that you will keep what they say in confidence; you won’t share what she/he tells you with anyone unless she wants you to.
o Tell her/him that if someone is hurting her/him, you are available to talk about it. “Promise me that if you need to talk, you’ll come to me.”
o Tell her/him that you want to help in whatever way she/he thinks is best.
o “Remember that you are not alone. I am here for you whenever you need me.”
How Can I Help? What Can I Say? Is It My Business? Will She/he Think I am Interfering? What if I Just Make it Worse? What if I am Wrong?
It is normal to struggle with these and other questions. This can be a difficult and uncomfortable situation for you; but think about what it may be like for the person being abused. By making that first step, you may save a life. Whether it is a friend, family member, coworker or neighbor, it is your business to get involved.
SPEAK UP! Here are a few ways to get the conversation started:
o Talk to the person in private.
o Start the conversation by letting them know you are worried and you care. “I see what is going on and I want to help.”
o Point out specific events that you have noticed. “The way he/she treats you is wrong, I have seen him/her __________.”
o “I am really worried about your safety and am afraid he/she will really hurt you next time.”
o Reassure that you will keep what they say in confidence; you won’t share what she/he tells you with anyone unless she wants you to.
o Tell her/him that if someone is hurting her/him, you are available to talk about it. “Promise me that if you need to talk, you’ll come to me.”
o Tell her/him that you want to help in whatever way she/he thinks is best.
o “Remember that you are not alone. I am here for you whenever you need me.”
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DO
o Listen - being able to finally talk about the abuse can be freeing, but frightening. o Offer help – Ask what they would like and what they need, give referrals and information about services available. o Offer support – Tell them: I believe you; the abuse is not your fault; you do not deserve to be treated this way; how can I help you feel safe? Help me understand how you feel; your reactions are normal for such a horrible experience; there is nothing wrong with you. o Be sensitive – Many people are still in love with their abusers, attacking the abuser will push them away from you. o Acknowledge that talking about it takes a lot of strength and bravery – abuse leaves a person feeling weak and out of control, compliments mean the world. o Back his or her decisions and be patient – They may not be ready to leave just because you have reached out. Your friend or family member may fear threats, harassment, or retaliation from their abuser. They may be afraid of losing financial support if the abuser is arrested. They may have hope that the abuser will keep his/her promise to stop the abuse. Give them time to sort out their reasons for staying and NEVER GIVE UP! |
Don’t
o Wait for him or her to come to you. o Pressure- “You have to leave now.” o Give advice- “You really should…” o Place conditions on your support- “I’ll help you if…” o Ask judgmental questions: “Did you try to stop the abuse? What did you do to provoke the abuse? Why don't you just leave? If someone ever hit me, I know I'd leave. |
What you can say to encourage them to leave:
I am afraid for your safety.
Without a change, the abuse tends to get worse.
I am here for you when you are ready to leave.
You deserve better than this.
There is help available.
Just saying that you are concerned and you care can make a huge difference in her/his life.
I am afraid for your safety.
Without a change, the abuse tends to get worse.
I am here for you when you are ready to leave.
You deserve better than this.
There is help available.
Just saying that you are concerned and you care can make a huge difference in her/his life.
